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Lol😂🤣

TonyH

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Lol😂🤣
« on: October 03, 2017, 03:57:11 pm »
Jokes and funny stuff..😂 Post them here.


TonyH

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TonyH

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Re: Lol😂🤣
« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2017, 04:02:23 pm »

Kruncy

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Re: Lol😂🤣
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2017, 01:39:11 pm »

This story has a moral.

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties.

"May I help you sir?"  she asked.
   
The man replied,  "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.  Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, A gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000."
     
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row".  Where are you from?"

The man replied, "New Brunswick ."

"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney.  She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."


The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:

 1.  Death
 2.  Taxes; and
 3.  Being screwed by a lawyer

TonyH

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Re: Lol😂🤣
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2017, 02:47:34 pm »
👍🏼

flhthemi

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Re: Lol😂🤣
« Reply #5 on: October 23, 2017, 03:03:23 pm »
A golfing story..


There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they are getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other and then look at the guy and say, ''Sure.''

So they tee off. About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman. The friends all laugh.

The guy says, ''No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.''

So one of the friends dicides to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. He gets all excited and says, ''WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?'' The hit man replies, ''Sure.''

So the guy looks for a second and says, ''YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!''

This really upsets the guy, so he asks the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, ''I get $1000 everytime I pull the trigger.''

The guy responds, ''$1000??? Well, ok. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife.''

The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about five minutes until finally the man starts to get really impatient and asks, ''What are you waitng for?!?

The hitman replies, ''Just hold on..... I'm a about to save you a thousand bucks!''

Kruncy

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Re: Lol😂🤣
« Reply #6 on: November 12, 2017, 12:02:05 pm »

How about another golfing story....

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
   
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

 'Uh...yeah!  We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.   Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.  After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
 
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No kidding?' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

flhthemi

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Re: Lol😂🤣
« Reply #7 on: November 13, 2017, 10:28:43 am »
Guy goes in a bar and orders a drink. While he's sitting there a big 6'6" muscle bound bald headed dude walks up beside him at the bar. He looks over at the little guy's drink, grabs it and then downs the whole drink in one gulp. The little guy looks at him and says I have had a really bad day. I got to work and got fired. When I left work I went to my car in the parking lot and it was engulfed in flames. After it was towed away I took a bus home. On the way home the bus driver ran into a light pole and I broke my arm in the accident. After I left the hospital and finally got home I went in only to find a note from my wife telling me she left me and took the kids. So I finally just decided to end it all. I came here, got a nice tall drink and then added some Cyanide, and now you've ruined that for me too!